When you think about a “bully” who do you describe? Many of us may describe a big guy who throws scrawny kids with glasses into lockers. Why? It’s because this is what we have seen. We have all witnessed physical forms of bullying. But there is another form of bullying that we don’t often think about. It’s more subtle and takes place in corners, the back of rooms, and on telephones and computers.

In her article “Words Will Ever Hurt Me: Girls as Bullies,” Kelly Burgess describes this “secret” form of bullying as: "relational aggression." She reports that "relational aggression can start as early as second grade and reaches its peak in middle school. It's perpetrated by girls against other girls, and the wounds it leaves often never heal" (http://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/girlbullies.htm).

Burgess reports that “Unlike traditional bullies who tend to stand out for their boisterous or anti-social behavior, the girl bully is often one of the prettiest, smartest girls in her class, beloved by teachers and administrators alike. Most adults have trouble even thinking of her as a bully because she's so very feminine. She usually has perfect hair, cool clothes and is either a cheerleader or involved in some equally prestigious activity” (http://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/girlbullies.htm).

How does this form of bullying work?

There are several tools that the female bully utilizes: exclusion, gossiping, and manipulation. Whether it be making another girl feel uncomfortable for simply sitting at the head girl’s lunch table, or spreading horrible rumors, or using another girl for her money or brains, these forms of bullying often go unnoticed by adults.

Speaking Out

However, recently there has been a surge in the amount of focus on the problem of female bullies. Both the Washington Post and the New York Times have run extensive articles about relational aggression that, among other things, show how often parents, usually mothers, encourage this type of bullying because it gives their daughters a leg up on the "competition."

Wellman is the founder of the Ophelia Project, one of the first programs to name relational aggression and find ways to counteract it. Another program is the Empower Program, founded by Rosalind Wiseman. The Ophelia Project, based in Erie, PA, uses older teen mentors to work with younger girls to try and stop relational aggression before it starts (http://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/girlbullies.htm).

Redefining Bullying

The reason for the escalation is simple, Burgess reports, “There has been no intervention in girls' aggression as there has been for that of the more physical aggression of boys. Because girls' aggression doesn't disrupt classrooms, leave anyone bleeding in the halls or result in broken bones, it's generally ignored. The result is an escalation of the emotional bullying in much the same way physical aggression would escalate if it were not nipped in the bud.”

Girls as Mentors...the Fight Against Bullies

Many people have developed programs, ideas and philosophies on how we can try to keep “relational aggression” to a minimum. Susan Wellman, who suffered alongside her daughter who was a victim of relational aggression, believes that on-site mentoring programs can make a difference. Because of her experiences with female bullies, Wellman developed the Ophelia project; and in 1999, the Ophelia Project initiated a pilot program called "How Girls Hurt Each Other" to test peer strategies for dealing with relational aggression (http://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/girlbullies.htm).

In her article, Burgess shares that Wellman and her staff recruited girls from the local high school and trained them as mentors to conduct workshops in middle schools. Using role-playing and small group activities, the mentors' task was to make these young girls aware of their conduct and how potentially devastating their actions were.

Ellen Anderson was one of the first volunteers. "At first I wasn't sure it was doing any good, and the stories we were hearing from these girls were just heartbreaking," recalls Anderson. "Then I started to hear things from some of the girls as I ran into them outside of the workshops. They would come up and tell me that thanks to us, someone had written them a note of apology and were no longer targeting them or had realized they were a bully and had stopped. I realized that we were really helping a lot" (http://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/girlbullies.htm).

"We have to have special programs to help the average girl recognize how much power they have to change this situation, while at the same time, identifying those girls that are highly aggressive and continue to bully on a regular basis," says Wellman. "Our little program won't make a dent in those girls, but if we can educate the entire school, educate their parents and educate our society, they will no longer have free rein" (http://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/girlbullies.htm).

Preventing Relational Aggression

Kelly Burgess' article contains the following tips for preventing Relational Aggression:

•Be a good example for your child. Don't gossip about or denigrate friends, neighbors or co-workers.

•Become aware of your child's position in the school/peer hierarchy. Try to determine if she is a victim or an aggressor. Many girls are "in the middle" and are merely passive observers of the situation. Help those "middle girls" to understand that, while ignoring both parties is easy, the moral high road is to support the victims and discourage the aggressors.

•Aggressors should be shown how hurtful their behavior is. Often they don't realize it and are quite contrite when it is brought to their attention.

•Victims need advocacy. Speak to school officials. Many guidelines and programs are available to guide the process and educate those who are unfamiliar with the problem.

•Examine your school's bullying program and encourage administrators to include programs on relational aggression. Many traditional anti-bullying programs ignore this important subject.

•Encourage your daughter to be involved in a variety of activities where she meets peers and adults from all walks of life. Encourage hobbies that build self-esteem and a sense of personal accomplishment.

Sources
Kelly Burgess "Relational Aggression: Girls as Bullies"
http://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/girlbullies.htm

Learn more about the Ophelia Project, click here!

When it comes to gossip, there is one truth: we all do it. No matter how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise, at some point in our lives we have all slipped and made the mistake of saying something hurtful behind a friend, co-worker, or family member’s back. Therefore, there is one other truth about gossip: we have all been victims, to our knowledge or not, of the harmful effects of gossip.

With this said, we must all recognize that if we have done it, then our daughters have also participated or are still participating in the gossip game. We can safely assume this. However, as mentioned, we have all slipped up. But, how do we know if our daughter has just “slipped up” on occasion or if she is, what Laura Paul terms, a “queen bee”.

Queen Bees

Paul describes “queen bees” as being the “ringleader of a clique of girls who gossip.” We all remember these girls from high school. They are the ones who made our lives miserable. Therefore, none us probably want to admit that our daughter has turned into that girl.

Rosalind Wiseman of Washington, D.C., the author of the New York Times bestseller of Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence (Three Rivers Press, March 2003), says parents first need to admit that 99.9 percent of people gossip. She says it is not a reflection of poor parenting to admit your daughter's misbehavior.
She says parents need to face reality even if they don't want to believe their child could be mean.

"Their denial is for two reasons," Wiseman says. "No one wants to think badly of someone they love. In fact, you always want to put a positive spin on their behavior. And two, your child is a reflection of you, and as such, it is humiliating when your child acts horribly" (http://teenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/nastygirls.htm).

Therefore, she always tells parents: "You are not a bad parent if your child is mean, but it is bad parenting if you won't hold your child accountable for mean behavior."

Profile of a Gossiper

How do we know if our daughter is the gossip ringleader amongst her group of friends?

Laura Paul shares Rosalind Wiseman’s five descriptions of a skilled gossiper in Paul’s article “Nasty Girls: Nipping Gossip in the Bud”:

1. She is really good at saying the right things to adults.

2. She is charming and presents well to parents, teachers and other adults because she needs to slip under the radar.

3. She is socially intelligent.

4. She is highly invested in knowing and being involved in the ups and downs of who is popular.

5. She organizes a birthday party or any party considering every strategy of who should be invited, why and the possible consequences.

Souces
Laura Paul, "Nasty Girls: Nipping Gossiping in the Bud"
http://teenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/nastygirls.htm

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